Belonging/unbelonging

They couldn’t have been nicer. By that I’m not damning with faint praise but mean it literally. I was welcomed into their community with genuine hospitality. 

Sponsored by the Soaring Spirits Foundation, Camp Widow was an international gathering that brought together two hundred and seventy-five widows and widowers for a weekend of mutual support.

I was invited as a function of having written the memoir August Farewell about the sudden cancer death of Bill, my long-term gay partner.

Through workshops, plenary sessions, and social events, we got to hear others’ stories of their life journey after losing their beloved partner and to share our own.

Facilitators led sessions on writing as a creative outlet for grief; dealing with children’s mourning; grappling with being ‘mad at God’; deciding when/how one could consider dating again or opening oneself to another relationship; the pain of revisiting places that held special meaning for you and your partner; and many more topics.

What made the weekend so intensely meaningful for participants was the opportunity to be in a community of peers where everyone ‘got it’. Though the specifics of our situations varied, we all knew intuitively the pain that each other had been through and were continuing to experience from the loss of our beloved partners.

On that common ground, I felt more at home in this community than I have almost anywhere else since Bill died.

And yet…

Of the two hundred and seventy-five participants, only two of us were gay. Nine-nine percent were straight.

The difference in sexual orientation shouldn’t make a difference. Huge personal loss is huge personal loss. And never once did I experience the slightest awkwardness or reservation on anyone’s part when they learned that I was gay. Everyone was either nonchalant about it or made a point of emphasizing their inclusiveness – not in a patronizing way but genuinely and with integrity. 

It shouldn’t make a difference, but it did for me. Because despite the profoundly significant common experience we shared as widows/widowers, there remained a profoundly distinct identity that we didn’t share. And that identity is intrinsic to who I am and the relationship that Bill and I had together for thirty-three years.

I guess what is, just is. And for the moment, that’s my loss because I ache both for Bill and for community.

* * *

More information about August Farewell is available on my website at http://DavidGHallman.com including a short YouTube on why I wrote the book viewable at http://bit.ly/jZrEbf

August Farewell is available for order through on-line book retailers such as http://amazon.com, http://barnesandnoble.com, http://chapters.indigo.ca and others.   


 

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2 Comments

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2 responses to “Belonging/unbelonging

  1. Why do you think there weren’t more widows/widowers who are gay at the conference? What can we, as a community, do to make everyone feel more included?

  2. Kelli Dunham

    Hey David:I just stumbled across your blog through some kind of twitter connection. I was interested to hear about your experience at Camp Widow. I am a two time lesbian widow now, I lost a partner in 2007 and then again this past June (both to cancer….weird, I know). I can’t imagine losing a partner of 33 years, what kind of holes that must leave in your life, in your heart. Camp Widow sounds pretty interesting…I wonder if they know how to do outreach to the LGBT community? It would be so great to be emerged in the company of people who understand this sad experience, how it changes everything, and I can imagine having so few people who shared the experience of being part of the LGBT community would make it very alienating at the same time. Thanks so much for your blog, and sharing your experiences. I’m going to read more.

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